What porn does wrong (and so do you)

sleepin with my shoes on
The door opens on a hot and lonely housewife in improbably high heels. The TV repairman senses the great depth of loneliness in her and makes a joke about his tool belt.

Next scene, they’re rutting with the mechanical precision of fornicating robots. It’s pretty damn hot.

You watch. Your groin is certainly fascinated, and sometimes that takes all your attention.

But your head isn’t in the same game as your groin. Your head is thinking…

Those are ridiculous breasts.

Jee-sus, do you have to look so bored, repairmanguy?

The trim on that kitchen counter is rather nice, I wonder where they got it…

After you’ve finished watching – and whatever else you’re doing – you feel faintly melancholy.

It worked, so you should be happy, but…

Somehow you feel cheap. Used. Resentful.

If you could get your money back, you’d probably try to.

And you think, Huh, that’s odd. Why do I feel so unsatisfied about something that worked?

To cheer yourself up, you hire an action movie. (Today is a day of testosterone.)

The credits explode through the screen and an unknown figure on a black Ducati with leathers and a full-face helmet crashes his bike through a warehouse door and screeches away on his rear wheels as the warehouse explodes in slow motion.

You don’t even bother to pause as you wander off to get a drink and some of those mini-marshmallows.

When you get back, the mysterious Leather Biking Guy – black-tinted helmet still on – is fighting a room full of improbably dextrous Korean gangsters. He does an amazing standing flip over one gangster to axe-kick the next one in the head and you involuntarily cheer.

But ten minutes later, you’re thinking…

Damn, is that Sammo Hung? He’s aged so well!

Why are all these warehouses so poorly lit? That’s unsafe.

That gangster is using way too much product.

You say, “Meh”, stop the movie and go put on Die Hard instead.

The moral of the story – home player edition

What was the mistake the action flick and porno made? Why did both leave you so dissatisfied?

You tell me.

I’m going to give away two prizes:

One free hour of coachsulting to the first person in the comments to identify what I think the problem is.

And another free hour to the person who comes up with the best answer that I didn’t think of.

You’ve got until Friday the 25th of March… hit me with your best shot.

(No pun intended.)

(Ew.)

[Edit: the competition has closed. Enjoy the amazing comments!]

Creative Commons License photo credit: mistress_f