I have spent the last few weeks wandering through an existential crisis.
‘Cause, you see, I snaffled a part-time job in order to even out my cashflow and push me out the front door. It is a delightful job, and I am enjoying it.
Then I spreadsheeted and found that with that weekend job and my retainer clients, I will now cover – and neatly tuck in – my basic expenses without any effort. For the first time in three years, I don’t need to make sales in order to pay the rent. The rent is fine, done, dealt with. The rent is not a fucking issue.
Can I say that again?
I DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE RENT.
THE BILLS WILL BE FINE.
THE SINGLE GREATEST WORRY OF MY LIFE FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS IS NOT A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.
So for, oh, seven to twelve seconds I just let the exquisite relief of that thought gently rub my shoulders and unwrap my cupcake.
And then a pesky thought howdied on up. “So this means you don’t have to make any of the things you’ve been working on if you don’t want to.”
“You can make anything.”
“So what do you want to make?”
Queue the existential crisis.
I can have whatever I want.
And… what would that be again?
After five eons of “I’d like Not Worrying About Cashflow with a side of Can We Get A Dog Maybe”? If I ever knew what my capital-letters were, I have forgotten. And I’m pretty sure even if I did know once, my answers are atrophied to the point of uselessness.
But! as mentioned, I don’t need to make sales to pay the bills. I can tell time, “Hey sweetie, I’m gonna hit the road for a few weeks and think deep thoughts. Go buy yourself something pretty.”
I did. Now I have enough answers to start the work, which is really all the answers self-reflection can ever provide.
This is what I know:
I want to explore truthfulness.
I don’t know why, and I don’t need to know why.
Any time I’m talking about truth in ways that are at least first cousins to business, I’ll put it here. Otherwise, I’ll be posting over at Mediocre Be Damned.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I am glad to not know.
I am glad to be creating without an agenda.
I’ll add structure later.
Let’s find out what happens now.
Love and more love,